I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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