I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
