Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
