Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
