Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
