she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We're too hungover to prance.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
