dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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