her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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