you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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