I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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