He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
