I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Be still, my beating vagina.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
