Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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