Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
