I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
