apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
