Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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