Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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