it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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