It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
