like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
