Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
