so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
