I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
