sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
