There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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