I can't breathe out the right side of my face
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
