I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
