I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
