I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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