I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
