i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
