At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
