My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
