so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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