I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
