Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
