I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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