I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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