Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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