it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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