I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
