There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
