i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
