Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
