Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
