Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
