mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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