when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
