I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
