tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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