becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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