That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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