dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I looked at my own cervix.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
