even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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